Augustus, my love
by TheFaultInOurHunger
Summary: Hazel Grace Lancaster has never been anything but terminal, so when her time finally comes, she's not scared or nervous, but excited. Will she be able to find Augustus? Or will her hope of being reunited with her love be lost forever? (Cover art credit to owner, not mine)
1. Chapter 1

This is it. This is the end, I know I don't have much time left now. My lungs are being overly sucky at being lungs and now my whole body just sucks in general. I've been in and out of hospital but now they have basically told me to go home to die. I'm not in pain, I don't really feel anything. Everything seems to be happening so fast now, everyone rushing around me while I am stuck in this strange limbo, drifting in and out of conciousness. I'm not scared though. I've never really been phased by the idea of my inevitable death. If anything, I'm excited. Excited to see what's there, excited to see what everyone else can only imagine, but most of all, excited to see him. Augustus.

It's been almost a year since he died and there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about him, haven't longed for his kiss, his touch, just to hear his voice. But, like everyone though, I don't know what happens when you die, or if I will even see him. I mean no one knows what happens when you die. So I guess all I can do for now is hope that where ever he is, he's happy and where ever I end up, I'm with him.

My mother is convinced that I am going to make a miraculous recovery or something and just get better. At first I tried to tell her otherwise, to tell her that it was a stupid idea and that I was going to die no matter how many encouraging smiles or words she gave me everyday. I couldn't stand to see her so crushed though, I mean her only daughter was dying and all she could do was watch it happen. So I just smiled whenever she tried to encourage me to keep my chin up and that I was going to live.

Isaac comes quite often to visit me, he is the only person who comes and it's nice to feel like I have someone outside of my family. I try to joke with him, try to laugh when he retaliates but it's getting harder and I think he can see that (well he obviously can't see but you get the picture...) so sometimes we just sit there and appreciate each others company. I worry about Isaac, he - much like me - doesn't have anyone besides his family so when I'm gone, I don't know who will comfort him and be with him. It almost makes me feel guilty to die, not that I can help it.

At this point, ANTM is but a distant memory as I'm never awake long enough to watch a whole episode, support group ended when Augustus died, the fake ID thing never happened and every other thing I may have done or wanted to do has ceased. There are no good days any more, no days where I am fully concious and able to do things. My last 'good' day was a week ago. Isaac came round and I was actually awake.

"Hey Hazel, haven't you gotten out of bed yet?" He joked.

I laughed and shook my head at him. My curtains were still closed so I asked Isaac to open them. He walked over and opened them, letting the light spill in. It was sunny outside and probably the nicest day we had had in a while. That's when it happened. I got a sudden urge to be strong, to be free, to go outside. Usually - even before I was a corpse - I was happy to stay inside, away from everyone and everything and I still don't know if it was the cancer speaking or what but I wanted to go outside and no one was going to stop me.

"Isaac?" I said, my voice raspy and low.

"Hmmm?" He replied.

"Take me outside."

"What?"

"I want to go outside. Take me. Now."

"Ummm Hazel I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Oh come on, Isaac, I'm not going to be any sicker out there am I?"

There was a moment of silence while Isaac thought about it.

"Fine. How the hell am I going to get you down there though?" He asked.

Good question. I thought for a moment.

"Carry me."

Isaac laughed, "Yeah, good one Hazel."

"I'm serious. Carry me!"

Isaac sighed and then found his way over to my bed. I pulled the covers back and wrapped my arms around his neck while he tried to scoop me up, I had lost a lot of weight so I wasn't that heavy but there was still the problem of him not being able to see.

"Right, I am your eyes, just follow my exact instructions and we'll both make it out of this alive." I said once he had secured me in his arms.

Isaac nodded but looked very doubtful about what was about to happen.

"Okay, you just have to get me to the wheel chair at the bottom of the stairs (it's always there in case of emergencies). Okay, go forward about 5 steps and then turn right and walk 3 more steps."

Isaac did as I said and we managed to get to the top of the stairs.

"Now, here's the tricky bit, stairs. I'll say step until we get to the bottom. Okay, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, step, stop! That wasn't so bad. Okay just put me down here, I can get in the chair from here."

"Jesus Christ Hazel, that was probably the worst idea you have ever had in your life!" Isaac said as he gently set me on my feet.

I clung to him for support and he wrapped his arm around me to keep me up. I stumbled over to my chair and plonked myself down while Isaac fumbled around trying to attach Philip to the back of it. Just walking the few steps to the chair had made me out of breath but I was determined to get what I wanted. Isaac wheeled me to the back door and slid it open. He felt around to make sure that he wasn't going to kill me by throwing me out of the chair or something and then half lifted, half wheeled me out of the door.

"Okay, if you go forward about 3 feet there's a seat. Just leave me there and sit in the seat next to me." I ordered, a little more forcefully than I intended.

"Yes, sir." Isaac replied, smiling.

He did what I asked and felt around for the seat and sat in it.

"Thank you Isaac." I said softly, placing my hand on his arm.

"It's okay Hazel, just don't expect it every day." He joked.

I put my head back a little and soaked up the sun rays. It felt nice. It felt how it did before I was on my way out. The sky was the lightest blue and the clouds were perfectly puffy; I felt as if this day was for me. That some higher powers or whatever had done this to make me happy one last time. I thought of Augustus, wherever he is, telling 'them' to make it sunny for me. I don't know, I'm dying, I'm allowed to go a little crazy sometimes.

We spent most of the day out there, talking occasionally but not much until my mum came home and freaked.

"Hazel! What are you doing?! Why are you outside?!" she said as soon as she walked through the door.

"I wanted to go outside. I think this is it mum, my last good day, I wanted it to be a good one." I said soft;y, barely able to speak.

"Oh Hazel, don't talk like that, come on let's get you back to bed. Isaac do you need a ride home, dear?" She fussed.

"No thank you Mrs Lancaster, my mum's coming to get me in a minute. Bye Hazel, I'll see you... tomorrow?"

I nodded, smiling,

"Thank you Isaac. So much. Bye."

I waved as my mother wheeled me back in the house and carried me back up to my bed (yes, she carried me. She's had to get strong to do that 'just in case'). I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow and I don't know how long I was out but I didn't really care and this point. I dreamed. About Augustus, about Isaac, about death. They were good dreams though, all good dreams...

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**A/N - Hey! I'm Shannon and this is not my first fanfiction. It's my first Fault in Our Stars one but not my first ever. I run this account with my friend Abbie (which you will know if you have read our Hunger Games fanfic) but she has kindly agreed for me to post and write this on my own so yay for Abbie being amaze balls. So I am English and I know that some words are going to be English spellings if you are American and spell them differently, don't come whining to me about how I spelt 'Mom' like 'Mum' because I know. Wow that sounded really obnoxious. So yeah, I hope you enjoy this as it progresses and I don't think it will be that long and the chapters definitely won't be as long as this one all the time but yah, sorry to go on and enjoy! (Chapters won't be posted regularly but hopefully will be posted frequently!) **


	2. Chapter 2

"Is she still breathing?" I heard mother's hushed voice ask.

"I... don't know, I think so." My dad said.

I was awake but not awake, conscious but not conscious. I tried to move, to say something to let them know I was okay but nothing happened. This had never happened before and I began to panic. I tried to listen for my parents calm but deep breathing, as if they were trying to hold back floods behind their eyes. It was then when I heard the sound of Isaac's voice. Why was Isaac here with my parents?

"Isaac, honey, do you want us to leave the room while you do this? I know it's probably a bit awkward with us here." My mum asked him softly, almost in tears.

"Only if you don't mind, Mrs Lancaster." He replied, sounding almost as fragile.

What was happening? I heard my parents stand and shuffle out of my room and close the door behind them.

Isaac took my hand in his - I tried to squeeze it reassuringly but nothing happened - and took a deep breath.

"Hazel, I... I haven't known you as long as I wanted to and... I just... God, this is hard. What I'm trying to say is... you and Gus were the only people in the whole world I thought I truly could call friends and I am so thankful for that. Now you're... leaving, I don't know how I'll cope, but I'll find a way. For you. You don't deserve this and neither did Gus and it seems so unfair that I am the one who gets to stay when you and him were always the better people. Hazel Grace Lancaster, you have been my best friend and I promise, I will never ever forget you. So, I know that was really dorky but if this is really goodbye, then... goodbye, Hazel, it's been so amazing knowing you. Say hi to Gus for me, will ya?" he said softly, crying now.

Was I dying? I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't happen. I heard Isaac stand and walk to presumably my door. It opened and my parents stepped back into my room,

"I should go. Thank you, bye."

"Bye Isaac" My dad said, slapping his back as he left.

My parents sat back down next to my bed and I felt my mothers delicate hand hold mine. There was silence for a long time before my dad finally spoke.

"I think we should... you know... say goodbye."

"I don't want to yet. It might make her... leave." My mum whispered, an obvious lump in her throat.

"The doctor said we didn't have much time, if we don't say it now then we might never get to."

"Okay, you're right. Hazel... sweetie, it's mum and dad. We just want to say we love you... we love you very much. We are... so proud of you." Sobs erupted from my mother.

"What your mum is trying to say is... is that we... is that... oh Hazel. We just love you so much and we are so happy we got such a wonderful little girl as our daughter. We are so thankful for the short amount of time we got to spend with you. This wasn't how it was meant to go you know, you were meant to outlive us and grow old with your husband and grandchildren, you were meant to put us in a retirement home and look after us in our old age. Life has been cruel to you my darling and at least now you... at least now you can be happy, you an be at peace. Sleep tight my angel. We love you." My dad was crying now too and my mum was still sobbing in her seat. They each gave me a lingering peck on my forehead and sat back down, still crying.

It stayed like this for a while until I lost complete consciousness once again.

I don't know how long I was like that but when I 'woke up' again, I wasn't in my bedroom...

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**A/N - So this is where all the religion, non-religion, opinion and all the jazz comes into things. I would like to start by saying the following views expressed by me in this are not my opinion on what I think happens when you die and I'm making this up for your entertainment so don't hate me. Also I would to say thank you to everyone who has followed, favourited, read and reviewed , it means so much to me and I really do appreciate every one of you so thanks and enjoy!**


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up or whatever I was in a white room with no doors or windows, nothing, just white. The brightness of the whole room was almost blinding (which I thought was strange since I didn't see any lights in the room) and I had to squint against it to sort of see. I sat up and blinked, trying to make out where I was.

"Mum?! Dad?!" I shouted into the nothingness.

I rubbed my eyes and felt that I was not wearing my cannula, not attached to Philip or any other form of oxygen providing machines and I could breathe. I took a deep breath - the first in such a long time - and I actually could. I could breathe as deeply as I pleased; I could take long and short breaths, breathe through my nose, breathe through my mouth; I COULD BREATHE! I stood up, I was wearing a summer dress, a white one that came in at my waist and out at my hips. _'If I am dead, this is such a cliché'_ I thought to myself. I looked down at my self, I had regained a figure of some sort. My stomach was tighter and the dress didn't sag or droop in weird places like all my other clothes. This is what I had wanted to look like most, if not all of my teenage life. I was wearing a black pair of converse on my feet which looked - from what I could tell - kind of good with the dress.

When I had stopped admiring myself awkwardly I began to walk forward. I did't know where I was going or if this was going to lead me anywhere at all but I kept walking (walking without Philip and being able to breathe may I add). I got so carried away with the fact that I could breathe that I quickened my pace, slowly at first and then there was almost a sense of urgency to run, for the first time since I was 13. So I ran, laughing and adding in little jumps and spins and threw my arms in the air, enjoying the unlimited supply of oxygen I now had.

"You must Hazel." I heard a voice say behind me which stopped me in my tracks.

"Uh, yeah, who- where did you come from?" I said, confused and slightly startled.

"We've been expecting you Hazel. I'm Irin"

Irin had bobbed, black hair and couldn't have been older than mid 20's. She was wearing a knee length white dress too but it was more sophisticated and classy. She was beautiful and had a kind face, I was confused but I wasn't scared, something told me I didn't have to be around her.

"Am I... dead?" I asked, the words catching in the back of my throat.

She nodded slightly, "yes, I'm afraid so."

"So what is this place?"

"Think of this as a zebra crossing from one side of the road to the other. The side of the road you were on is earth and now you're crossing over to where ever is decided for you. Don't worry though, you'll most definitely be directed somewhere good." Irin explained to me as she began leading me somewhere which just looked as if we were walking into nothing again.

"I thought there was just Heaven and Hell?" I said, the confusion clear on my face.

"Well, in a sense, there is. There are just many types of Heaven and Hell, your own personal place with people who are like you, filled with things you enjoy, we found it much easier to organise this way." She smiled at me.

"So people get categorised?"

"Something like that."

"Do I have any say in where I go?"

"Your heart and mind decides it for you. That way, you are happier."

_'Augustus.' _I thought.

"Do you get put with family or friends? There's someone I'm suppose to meet up here." I asked panicking.

"Sometimes. It all depends on how purely your want to be with them. Sometimes you think you want to be with someone but you may not."

This gave me a sliver of hope.

Irin guided me to a door, a huge black door and gestured for me to go through it.

"Can't you come with me?" I asked, shaking.

Irin shook her head and said,

"Good luck Hazel, I hope you find Gus."

"How did you-" before I could finish the question, she was gone.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. I couldn't see what was behind it, it was too dark but I stepped in anyway. The door slammed shut behind me and I just stood there in the darkness, waiting for something to happen. Without warning, it felt as if the floor had disappeared and I was falling. _'This must be what it was like to be Alice in Wonderland.' _I thought. As I 'fell' or whatever, images kept flashing through my mind. The swing set in my garden, books I had read, Gus, playing video games with Isaac, Amsterdam, kissing Gus, flowers, my bed, Gus, ANTM, AIA, holding Gus and then nothing. The floor 'reappeared' and there was another door in front of me. I guessed I had to go through it to get to wherever I was meant to be. I stepped toward the door and reached for the handle. I twisted it and opened the door slowly, closing my eyes, scared of what I was about to come face to face with. I stepped through the door, let it close behind me and opened my eyes...

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**A/N - Firstly, I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed, it means a lot and I do read them all. Also thank you to everyone who favourited and followed this story and has read it up to this point, you're all amazing. I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't think it's too weird or something, I tried my best haha. So yeah, enjoy the rest of the story hopefully and I'm sorry it took so long to post this!**


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